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A First Round Draft Mockery

Full disclosure on this mock draft, it was written by my partner. She's got some interesting opinions on where players should go. Most of them are based on vibes and their names/visages. There is very limited hockey analysis here, only vibes. I promised her I'd publish it if she wrote it, and she has watched me watch a lot of hockey this season, so she deserves it. It's a first round draft mockery, let's get into it.

#1 Chicago Blackhawks - A New Owner

They should have forfeited this pick anyways. They don't deserve nice things.

#2 Anaheim Ducks - Will Smith

A movie star for a movie franchise.

#3 Columbus Blue Jackets - Zach Benson

Not much going on in Columbus so might as well give them something nice.

#4 San Jose Sharks - Leo Carlsson

Backup Karlsson. If Karlsson gets traded they are gonna need a replacement. Much like old Karlsson, this Carlsson is also a forward.

#5 Montreal Canadiens - Gabriel Perreault


#6 Arizona Coyotes - Connor Bedard

Objectively hilarious for a team with no arena to end up a generational talent.

#7 Philadelphia Flyers - Adam Fantilli

The Fantilli Fanatics. Yes, I know its the baseball team mascot but i don't care.

#8 Washington Capitals - Matvei Michkov

Can smuggle him out of Russia on Ovechkin's jet.

#9 Detroit Red Wings - David Reinbacher

When I think of Detroit I think of cars. When I think of Reinbacher I think that sounds like a car brand.

#10 St. Louis Blues - Ryan Leonard

A nice corn fed American boy for a Midwest team.

#11 Vancouver Canucks - Matthew Wood

IDK with this one, I wanted Viking vibes and he is big and blond.

#12 Arizona Coyotes - Michael Hrabal

Goalies take a long time to develop and so does Arizona's arena.

#13 Buffalo Sabres - Quentin Musty

With a name like this all he needs is a fluffy mustache and a horse to be a civil war general. The Sabre's logo is basically that of a civil war regiment. Makes sense.

#14 Pittsburgh Penguins - Axel Sandin Pellikka

A sandy pelican for some sandy penguins. Birds of a feather flock together and all that jazz.

#15 Nashville Predators - Oliver Moore

Basically the name of a country music singer, do you really need Moore of an explanation.

#16 Calgary Flames - Nate Danielson

Boring Canadian boy for boring Canadian team.

#17 Detroit Red Wings - Otto Stenberg

Otto sounds like Auto.

#18 Winnipeg Jets - Oliver Bonk

Bonk for Pionk, I like rhymes.

#19 Chicago Helicopters - A New Logo/Team Name

#20 Seattle Kraken - Dmitri Simashev

#Booktok likes a big boy.

#21 Minnesota Wild - Tom Willander

The only pick with any actual hockey reasoning behind it. A lovely right handed offensive defenseman to play with my one true love left handed defensive defenseman Jacob Middlebae. I didn't say it was good hockey reasoning.

#22 Philadelphia Flyers - Daniil But

#23 New York Rangers - William Whitelaw

With a last name like Whitelaw, I assume he is from Connecticut, drives into the city to work on Wall St. and summers in the Hamptons.

#24 Nashville Predators - Gavin Brindley

Little ball of energy, and I feel like that is a vibe for Nashville.

#25 St. Louis Blues - Charlie Stramel

Just feeding them these nice sturdy corn boys

#26 San Jose Sharks - David Edstrom

At this point I want San Jose to be confused for the Swedish national team. I love a good theme and we can nickname them the Swedish House Mafia.

#27 Colorado Avalanche - Kasper Halttunen

Kinda running out of gas at this point but Finland has mountains and so does Colorado. Makes sense to me.

#28 Toronto Maple Leafs - Calum Ritchie

Johnny Hockey for Johnny Hockey's Hockey Team.

#29 St. Louis Blues - Andrew Cristall

More corn! But sweet corn this time. Have you seen his face? Looks like a total sweetheart.

#30 Carolina Hurricanes- Colby Barlow

Are we sure this isn't a full grown man? That mustache will go perfectly with Burns' beard

#31 Colorado Canadiens - Etienne Morin

This was supposed to be Montreal's pick and I am kinda pissed they traded it TODAY while I was writing this. Like I am sorry but have you heard a more aggressively French Canadian name? Not letting this trade ruining my vibe Colorado is stuck with him now.

#32 Vegas Golden Knights- Lukas Dragicevic

Ugh. Vegas. There was no gambling pun name this year or someone I could think of to connect to them being a bunch of cheaters. Therefore they are getting the player with the best magician-sounding name.

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